I already knew who I was in my teen years!
I know Peter will disagree with me on this but I define myself as a gay man mainly due to my sexual orientation. I look at everything through a gay sensibility. Yes, I am a writer--a gay writer--a Jew--a gay Jew--a man--a gay man--a gay reader, theatre goer, movie goer, friend, nature lover, etc.
I came out when I was 12 and have been very comfortable with that aspect of my life though I had problems with other parts of my life.
No, I don't wear a sign around my neck saying "I am gay" but I will not deny it nor will I be quiet about it when a nongay person 'shoves their sexuality in my face'--you are going to talk about your kids, your spouse or the butt or breasts on that woman I will tell you who I am.
I will not stand idly, quietly by when an anti-gay joke is told or rude comments are made regarding gay people.
When I am told someone is gay friendly I will ask if they voted against the gay marriage amendment, for ENDA and for the hate crime bill--do they stand up for their gay co-worker, the gay person living next door, etc., or do they just say, "I have gay friends,"?
I will not respect or forgive someone who puts gays down, say their religion is against it or make up despicable acts that they say gays get involved in even if they apologize and say sweet things to me. Nor will I respect a gay person who kowtows to these bigots in order to not make waves or to make peace because they are demeaning themselves when they ignore how these people really feel.
In the 60s to the 80s I was a gay activist--I marched, signed petitions, joined ACT UP, got involved with the AIDS crisis and though I gave that up in the 90s I have spent the last 30 years as an AIDS buddy to dying teen agers.
I do get annoyed when I see younger gays who benefit from the thousands who put themselves on the front line so they could have life a little easier and today don't get out there to make it easier for the future generations.
People have been killed, kicked out of their jobs, thrown out of their apartments, lost all they had built with a lover because too many gays have remained quiet.
I am proud of who I am and what I have done for my brothers and sisters--I had people mentor and help and fight for me along the way and I have given back to the cause as my way of saying Thank You--all I ask of the younger gays today is to do the same--don't be ashamed of who you are and don't stay quiet when you see an injustice done to another gay person because you may lose a friend, a job, a promotion or some other reason that may give you less 'things' but can help them not be harmed.
Are you/would you really be happy being 'safe'? If so don't you owe the many people who helped make your world safe? Make it safe for the teens coming along now, still being bullied, still thinking they are the only ones, who feel isolated, alone and afraid.
Okay, I won't tell you what to do--only you can decide that but take some time to see what you have today and what you can give others.
Trust me, I am not holier than you, I have made mistakes, did not do things for selfish reasons BUT I have never denied who I am to anyone.
19 comments on I Am an Out, and Proud Gay Man! (Like you didn't know :O)
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Good for you!
One of the sad things I see happening is a total lack of mentoring going on with younger gay people. In fact, I actually see a bit of a disrespect in the view of them by some older gays as if they haven't earned the right to wear the mantle because they don't suffer enough. It is leading to a younger group of gay kids that wants to move forward and get their rights without the supportive guidance of those that went before them. I think the trouble runs both ways, not just from the younger generation.
AJ
Older gay people weren't mentored regarding getting equal rights in the 50s and 60s--they went out and fought for them and, yes, made mistakes--they want to 'get their rights without supportive guidence' then why aren't they out there doing what the older generation did--why aren't they fighting Don't Ask--why aren't they dunning Congress about ENDA and the hate crime bill--it seems marching is beneath them, picketing 'doesn't help' etc., so they have to do what the people in teh 50s and 60s did--come up with ways to get the attention of people and politicians--it was all trial and error but in trying they made it possible for the next generation to have it easier.
Actually, you would be surprised as to how much the kids in high school are doing. They are just using different tools and they are actually doing quite well. It is because of them that we have groups like GLSEN, successful gay-straight alliances that put tolerance rules into their school districts. They (and their straight allies) are the kids who end up on TV for starting a pink T-shirt craze in response to a classmate being teased for wearing a "fa***" color.
I think we older folks should be ashamed to say that we did it all without mentors so they should, too. That is a pathetic argument. Social movements gain strength and support by sharing what we had with those who come after and helping them apply that to the constantly changing social patterns rather than tearing them down for not doing it like we would. Our tools will not necessarily work today as they did in the past because the times are different.
I have to say that I have only felt mentored by one older gay man in my life. That is a sad thing to say. He is the man who helped me come to terms with being gay when I was taking a class with him. The rest have made me feel either like I was prey (or not good enough to be so) or that I was not a good enough asset to GLBTQQ civil rights because I have differing opinions of how to go about it like there is only one right way.AJ
My youthful experiences were the same.
Whne I say older folks I am talking about those in their twenties in the 50s and 60s--what are the 30 and 40 year olds doing now--what are you doing now??? What different way are you doing to secure more gay rights? Why not share those ways with others?
' that is a pathetic argument' You're saying you didn't have any mentors except one--I didn't have any political mentors until I got involved in equal rights fights--again what have YOU done to end 'don't ask, don't tell', ENDA, hate crime bill, etc--how do you go about it in a different way?
Who have you mentored?
Accepting your sexual orientation and not denying it, as well as working to free yourself from bad laws, is good, but it is not how I would define myself. OK -- I'm sexual -- all 'higher' life forms are sexual, it is a fact, not a definition. Humans share many characteristics, but the things that make us choose certain people to be our friends, the way we behave towards other people, the respect we show to nature and other animals... these are the things that define us. My experience has been the same as Lunarhunk's... No mentoring from older gays, but i had excellent role models in parents, teachers and books, who taught me the really important things - how to live in harmony with myself and others. It is what we value, not the sex of the person we take to bed that demonstrates our worth. And when I found someone who shared my values as well as my sexual orientation, we plighted our troth, so to speak. it is the shared values, not the shared sexual orientation that have formed the basis of 42 years of love.
As I said I didn't think you would agree with me but that is okay--I choose my behavoir towards otehrs and my friends and the respect I show through a gay sensibility.
I never did look upon an older man as preying on me--they taught/mentored me well about my sexuality--but then what is an older man to a tennager?? One in their twenties??
I do not prey on young or younger men--I always went for guys my age or older BUT because I am 72 and gay, people assume (yes, even gay people) that I am out looking to jump on a youngster's bones. Well in a way that's true--I am looking to jump on your bones and you are so much younger than me!!
Wow, a great post and some great comments as well. What is there to say what noty has been said? I only can hope intolerence will becomne lesser and lesser but for that there is a long path to go I am afraid. Its bothering me that the tolerance we had here in my country is decreasing a bit. Thk God our mayor put that on a list of topics!
I mentor the kids who turn to me when they come out and help them find what they need to form a healthy life. I get involved with the people in my community and provide an example of a what a good citizen can be. I am a man who is gay, but not only a gay man. We are fully participitory as individuals and a couple in the community doing nothing to show shame at what we are.
I speak with the communities leaders to see their stance on various issues relating to the GLBTQQ community and try to find out what the town can do to better serve us.
I am sorry if that is not up to your standards.
AJ
I am not asking you to live up to my standards--that would be futile--they are MY standards.
I, also, did not ask to be called, or inferred as you did, to be pathetic, unnatural and/or rude.
When does it stop?? I Know the next to last q is questioning (which I question even being in there) but what does the second q stand for?? It is beginning to look like alphabet soup!!!
Ah, yes, I remember a simplier time when we were just gay.
no comment.Not sure what to say and want to keep out of trouble with you.So mum is the word.
The younger kids like to be called queer so it is Gay Lebian, Bi, Trans, Queer, and Questioning.
AJ
I'm proud of you Martin...and my friend...proud to know you..
I always seem to get myself in the middle of something or other when I comment on posts like this. I've stated my opinions as to why some people will be "out there, in your face, and will fight to the end" and why others are "contributors, example setters, less vocal, and will negotiate to the end". I'm not going to go into all of it again, but I will say that ALL kinds are needed.
Getting laws passed and rights "equalled out" is a top priority, yes. All should be supportive of that. But, a law that legally gives us a right to do something does not guarantee that there will be acceptance or tolerance. Who wants a law that says we "can", but then we're rounded up by a mob and beaten to death. (The combination of law and intolerance does not mix well, for the law will be challenged forever and will deepen the prejudices. Take abortion, for instance.) I know you are going to come back on me regarding these questions and statements I've made, but there are good, valid reasons why, in all scenarios, there are people on the frontline, people in the wings, the leaders and the supporters, the leading roles and the backstage hands.
There have been numerous strides made in many areas resulting from negotiating...a lot can be compared and reasoned at a negotiating table. But, then there are times when all out attacks are needed.
Some activists think that violence is justified, that breaking laws to accomplish a means is justifiable, etc. That kind of behavior might rattle some results from some people in some ways, but it can also refuel the fire in those who are in opposition.
Many who are blocking our rights are of a belief that we are ALL the same, and that is whatever they've seen on TV, heard about us by religious leaders, etc. Do you know how many people I have talked to CAN'T BELIEVE that I'm in a lesbian relationship because I "don't act or look like a lesbian"? That right there can a positive contribution because more people have been made aware that gays are not "freaks" or abominations, and will be sympathetic to our needs and wants. More subtle ways of being in the community as a whole, being supportive of our "interest groups", and letting people come to their own realizations that we are normal and are people like they are with the same needs and feelings can speak louder than any argument or chant.
You have done great things in your life and have contributed an awful lot. We need more people like you doing things like that. However, we need more people doing things in other areas, too. (Don't say to leave it up to others because there are gay and lesbian people who are homeless, who are without medical coverage, who are illegal immigrants or have a connection to the issue, who have a child with autism, who have a need to fight a flaw in the educational system, and so forth...so gay concerns are not the only concerns in every gay person's life.)
There are young, very young children in my family and in Edie's familly. And, there are teenagers (and some who were not that long ago). By letting their parents see that we were not different, that we were not a threat, we have been accepted....to the point of being asked to talk to their kids about our sexuality and to help them understand it and accept it. I proved to a former employer that I was different and no different than everybody else (at the same time), just like everybody else is.
I do say campaigning for a cause, getting the information out, and finding a way to get others to see that we are PEOPLE who are entitled to equal rights and considerations is everyone's responsibility....but how each person accomplishes it may be different. As long as everybody is contributing in some way. Sometimes the best way to rallly for a cause is to get the message out in the most effective way, and that way can be preaching it or it may be just living it.
Now, I am going to go find a tissue and go take my cold medicine.
Bit what about the people who are passive and do nothing??? Those are the ones I am trying to reach. They are the ones taking and not giving.
Read my next blog about activism, passion and anger.
I believe that the more tolerant that this society becomes the more resistant people become to change. People enjoy the status quo, even as much as they disagree with it.
I certaonly agree with that last line
well im bi and im completly proud of how i am... i don't let people push me around either and i am increadibly proud of u for not letting people do it to u either... i amd 16 and i love who i am too...