(This is from my book, "Letting It All Hang Out"--skyblue asked me about my family and I answered her--this just goes a little further.)
At 17 (54 years ago!!!) I had enough--I knew I had to get out--I had spent my earlier teen years running away to movies, into books and going to theatre. Anything to escape reality and/or spend time with my family.
My father was wealthy and believed that gifts made up for not showing love--if there was any. For many years I had worshiped this man only to find out he couldn't care for anyone--only his business--he was the one who instilled in me, "F--k them before they F--k you." What a way to grow up.
On the other side was my mother who was only happy when she was unhappy. We owned 2 homes, my dad got a new car every year and yet every day she threatened us (my brother and I) that we would wind up in the poorhouse.
My father was out of town 10 out of fourteen days--the 4 days he was in town were spent in arguments between him and my mother-- She-"Sure, you live the life of luxury with people waiting on you all the time and all the women." Okay, he was a very handsome man and somewhat of a 'babe magnet'. He--"You were born on the east side and you will never grow out of it." Okay, she only bought cheap, second hand stuff.
The fights went on with accusations, slurs, put downs, etc. constantly.
Did my mother molest me? I'm not sure but I have a nagging idea in the back of my head she did--she certainly said things to me a mother should never say to a son. I do know she was happy when I 'came out' at 13 saying something to the affect that now she didn't have to worry about a woman stealing me from her.
These are two people who should have never married (at least to each other) in the first place (ah, but then I may have never been born!) and never should have stayed together 'for the sake of the children'.
Maybe the stuff above doesn't mean much to you but for a teenager never wanting to go home--who would rather spend time cruising bars, bathrooms, etc. to find 'love'--a teenager stealing money from his parents to get attention--a teenager constantly being compared to his 5 year older brother who was 'smarter, athletic' while he only had a 'million dollar smile' certainly didn't help the already non-existent relationship between the brothers.
To make a very long story I walked out at 17 and joined the Marines.
Years later, after going through transactional analysis therapy, I tried to reconnect with my mother--she was a bitter, divorced, lonely woman (who's own son, my brother, wouldn't allow his children to see her because of her negativity and constant put down of his wife) living in an empty house, no friends--and within minutes was telling me how everyone turned against her, how ungrateful my brother and I were, how she sacrificed her marriage for us, and on and on.
Two years later I tried to reconnect with my father--I had invited him to an awards ceremony where I was being honored--he showed up (it was on the way of a business trip he was taking) and implied to5 my guests that I would never be as good as he was.
I did not see or speak to them ever again and when I had heard they had died it was sad--because my reaction was "So what?"
I realize that they did the best they knew how to and had failings as all human beings have. This is the first time I have thought of them in 20 years and that is because a friend of mine is staying with his wife, 'because of the kids.' I wanted to scream at him the kids would be better off if they did separate or divorce--they know, they feel the negativity between their parents and don't need that feeling at their age.
By the way if it wasn't for my sister-in-law keeping in touch with me I would know nothing about the success my brother has had raising 3 wonderful children, having a loving wife who taught him how to love and spoiling his grandchildren. I had tried to communicate with him but it was as if we were/are strangers--it has now been over 20+ plus years that we have talked or seen each other--I am sorry that we aren't closer but I do very much admire what he has accomplished with his life--and yes I told him that but it didn't mean a thing.
I have no regrets of walking out at 17--the road I took, with all its ups and downs, has never been boring though once in awhile I wonder what would have happened if I had been loved as a child should be--but then how many of us come from The Cleaver's type of family?
11 comments on About My Family--an Addendum to My July 7 Blog
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Jenn[HEART]
This is another story.
how sad of your brother not keeping in touch.
I had four of them and they never bother with me at all.
Two are left and they are on the way out.
some day will do a blog on this,
With all the problems there,you turned out just fine.It is their problem.
You did great.[HEART][HEART][HEART][KISS]
You're a survivor like me except I have to take the next steps to financial security and independence to really strut my stuff as the strong, inner survivor that I am. My Father was the most passive and kind person you'd even want to meet. Totally blue collar-only went two years to high school-it was when he drank that he would get stupid and verbally abusive. My Mom was the abusive, controlling one who could be the life of the party one minute and a total bitch who would cast anything and everything up in your face, especially after many whiskey and sodas. I hope I receive an autographed copy of your book *wink* Good job!!!
Family wasn't Orthodox--more reform but not even that--my brotehr and I had a Ba Mitvah so my ftaher could show off to his friends and we had seats for the High Holidays--again, a prestige thing.
Hey, if I 'give' you my book I won't have financial security for my old age![LOL]
E-mail me at mgood66@juno.com maybe we can barter/trade something?!?!
Jenn[WINK][HEART]
You sound so alone..
It's my opinion that people should have to have a license to have kids--and couples like your parents (and mine) would have been eliminated from parenthood.[OHMY][OHMY]
I have had one STD in all that time--when I was in the Marines!!![LOL] I have an explanation regarding why I don't have HIV or AIDS but it would ignite a needless contraversy.
Not only should people have a license to have kids but they should be 'tested' every year![THUMBUP]